the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize