Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
