How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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