Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
