Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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