I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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