I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
where does the pee come out of this thing
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
