Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Text me some of your sweat
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