A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
