Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
