I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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