I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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