Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
