two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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