What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
