Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
