she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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