I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Randomize
