saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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