I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
