Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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