he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
