I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
