My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
