And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize