She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
