The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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