My balls are so social today.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
