hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
