On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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