Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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