We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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