Fine. I'll sleep in my office
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
