Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
