Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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