I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
