Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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