Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
