I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
