called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
