I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
