can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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