big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
