oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
