you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
im holly from the hills drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
