Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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