and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
