I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize