Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
