so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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