Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
