I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
