In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
