My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
